I read somewhere that a common reaction to bereavement was yearning and searching. That people kept seeing their loved one everywhere.
I don’t search in space. I search in time. I ruminate and relive old memories again and again, fearing that I will forget them; lose everything I have of my father. My dreams these days are incredibly vivid and detailed memories of small episodes from my past. I yearn for people in my past…old friends, acquaintances, who have long since forgotten me. They are anchors to a time when life was simple — before my parents fell ill.
The problem is that those people have long since moved on and forgotten me.
I feel the worst about my postdoc advisor, because he was really genuinely kind to me, and I don’t think it had to do with his own self-interest. I miss sharing things about work with my dad. My advisor was similar. I miss him too. These days there’s nobody left to talk to, or at least it feels that way.
I read somewhere that you can choose three of five: work, fitness, friends, family, hobbies. I guess I’ve let go friends and work.
My husband is unable to let go work, and work takes up two slots, so he has let go friends, family, and fitness.
I’m very lonely these days. I go back and revisit graduate school in my mind, still wondering where I went wrong; how I got kicked off the path of being an academic despite having sacrificed so much for it. In the end I think it had to do with my personality and my lack of self-confidence…too much second-guessing, and in retrospect, difficulty breaking into the “boys club.”
I feel so dissatisfied, and so tired.