I haven’t been blogging much. When I go back to all the posts about my father, I feel tired.
As of July 1st, my husband will be half finished with his residency. Even in retrospect, it didn’t go by fast. It feels like a long time. And a short time…it feels like my dad just died, and that was two years ago too.
Work goes on. I was passed over–on my 37th birthday–for a promotion in favor of somebody who is probably less qualified. I spent the entire day crying. I regret it because I must have made my mom sad. I don’t want to remember my birthday like that. Anyway my new boss has two kids just a little older than my two kids, and puts up nice photos of them with his dad in his office–photos that grate on me, because my only photos of my dad with my daughter show my dad dying of brain cancer.
I’m tired. I used to be an overachiever, but after everything I’ve been through these last couple of years, I can’t really bring myself to go above and beyond at work any more. Sometimes, I feel like I just want to hide and be invisible.
On a happier note, my son will turn 1 soon. He’ll be 11 months in a few days, and yesterday he just climbed all the way up our townhouse stairs by himself (with me hovering behind him). Yesterday evening he was crawling around and then came and snoozed in my lap, and I rubbed his back until he fell asleep. He is very affectionate and loving. He also likes to pull my hair, which is now noticeably gray. He is very soft. His feet are getting less so, as he’s been standing, but still. He is starting to say “Ka! Ka!” which might or might not mean “car,” and he seems to know the words for “nose” and “ear.” He still nurses vigorously, which is great, but I hate pumping. He’s started mostly sleeping through the night, though he wakes up very, very early (6 a.m.) I’m not sure how I’ll manage weaning.
My last A1c at the lab was 5.3. I have lost a total of 40 lbs from my most overweight point, by doing mostly low-carb. It’s been a year since my gestational diabetes diagnosis. I now have a “normal” BMI–though apparently if you are South Asian you ought to have a BMI under 23, not 25, which means that I still have a few pounds to go. I feel a little embarrassed when people point out my weight loss, because it just brings home for me that I was so overweight to begin with. I haven’t really noticed people treating me any better–in fact while I was overweight I seemed to get every job I interviewed for; now I don’t. Maybe I take more risks now? But I don’t know–I took plenty of risks then too. Maybe back then I didn’t have kids, and was less tired. I do have one friend at work who, now that I am a normal weight, has started talking about fat people as though they are some other species that neither of us belongs to. That’s been weird. I wasn’t always overweight–in grad school I weighed as much as I did now. So…my weight has been up and down, and I haven’t noticed much difference in how anyone treats me.
I don’t think I could handle more kids, but sometimes I feel wistful that I won’t be pregnant again. My first pregnancy I was anxious and sick, but I actually enjoyed my 2nd pregnancy a lot, until I got GD. I guess the GD made me healthier, on the whole. Without it I would not have known about blood glucose, or how to lose weight, and I’m not sure my glucose issues would have been picked up on.
I’ve started writing some speculative fiction. We’ll see how that goes.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Take care!