35 weeks

My mom had her annual CT scan and it was read last Thursday.  I was in a meeting when she was with the oncologist.  I was sweating bullets.  Her scan was OK.  Thank God.  One year of freedom until the next one.   We got so unlucky with my dad (and my mom getting cancer, and for that matter me getting GD) that somehow these days I have subconsciously come to believe that medically, very little goes right.

I have been following the GD diet and regime pretty well, although I have been slipping a little from time to time.  Weekends especially I want to sleep, not to eat 6x a day and prick my finger 4x.

Despite the fact that my first birth went just fine, I hired a doula this time around.  Especially since my GD diagnosis I have been glad to have her on my team.  She has been both emotionally supportive as well as medically knowledgeable–I am a scientist and my husband is a physician–the doula I wanted was one with a metric ton of L&D experience, and I didn’t care too much about the rest.

We had our second meeting with her yesterday.   I was hesitant to make a birth plan because I am not an assertive person, and I am kind of a pessimist sometimes–once I got this information about GD especially I was scared that I would end up with an induction or C-section and I didn’t want to plan too much.  She encouraged me to.  I basically said I was open to an epidural but that I wasn’t sure I needed it last time and that it would be nice to make it without one, that I wanted to stay home as long as possible, and that I wanted the heplock somewhere other than the back of my hand this time because it really hurt last time.  I remember now that I was badly cut by the blood pressure cuff…I should have mentioned that too.  Somehow I remember the relatively small discomforts more than I remember labor.

I asked her how they would manage my GD during labor…she said I would get finger sticks once an hour (OMG) using the hospital’s monitor, not mine.  She said though that since my sugars were under control I could negotiate that down to every two hours, and added that to my birth plan.  You know, last time I really wanted Popsicles during labor, they had been billed in the birth class, and they were never offered to me.  Later my husband told me “oh, the fridge was full of them, I just didn’t know you wanted one.”  This time I was hoping for some Popsicles but with the GD I’m not sure I will get any.  *sigh*

Anyway, so that’s the update.  I have a biophysical profile tomorrow at the MFM.  Starting next week I think I am supposed to get them weekly at the regular OB (due to my age, the OB said, not due to the GD).  I will have my GBS swab next week too.  The OB now wants to begin weekly cervical checks.  I asked my doula if I could reasonably decline and she said yes; the weekly checks are not standard of care at most practices.  I found them pretty painful last time.

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34 weeks

I have been living with gestational diabetes for a month now.  It feels like much longer.  I prick my finger 4x a day, eat 6x a day.  I have read that there is a 70% chance of my becoming Type II in the future.  I feel like my body is broken.  I am really tired of being pregnant.  I had a little hope in the corner of my heart that maybe we could someday have a third child, but this gestational diabetes decided for me–I can’t go through this again.

My pre-pregnancy BMI was 30, putting me just at “obese” on the chart.  I kept reading how obesity triples the risk for GD and feeling bad.   And then I read that GD happens to 5% of women, vs. 15% of obese women.  So 85% of obese women are fine.  My condition isn’t entirely my fault for being overweight; it also just has to do with genetics.  That makes me feel somewhat better.  I also recognize now that my insulin resistance might have been the reason it was so hard for me to lose weight.

I have maintained my weight since my diagnosis.  My fastings are on the edge of what is acceptable (I get some readings over 90) but because the rest of the numbers are okay, the baby’s measurements are okay (both size and head to abdomen ratio) are okay, and my weight gain is under control, the MFM doctor has decided not to put me on meds for now.

My fastings have slowly been coming down.

I had a terrible sinus infection and was put on the antibiotic Cefnidir for seven days.  Everything out there says not to take antibiotics for sinus infections, and I usually don’t, but this time I did.  I do think it helped and prevented the infection from getting much worse and spreading.

Four years ago I felt young.  I was single, I had no health issues, my parents were healthy and alive.  Now I am a mom of one, about to be a mom of two.  I have a serious health condition.  My dad is gone.  My mom is still under aggressive surveillance for recurrent cancer, and the cancer along with surgery, chemo, and radiation and widowhood have left her aged and frail.  My OBGYN records all say “elderly multigravida.”  I am approaching middle age if not already there.  I have a relative my age who just got ovarian cancer and has a poor prognosis.

Suddenly I feel fragile, and old, and frightened, and like there is disease, death, and a poisonous cloud of bad luck all around me.