29 weeks–Third Trimester

So this is the third trimester of what is my second, and probably last, pregnancy.

I am feeling better than I did at this point in my last pregnancy, maybe because it is summer or maybe because I have been drinking a cup of raspberry leaf tea daily, or maybe because my mom is not getting chemo, or maybe for no reason at all.  I don’t seem to have the extent of trouble breathing that I did last time, which is a relief.  Maybe I’m just not far enough along yet.

My mom has her annual CT scan coming up in a month.  I have just tried not to think about it.  Whatever happens is unlikely to be as bad as what we already went through.  She says at her age she does not care about five years this way or that.  *sigh*  I do care, and I have no idea how I will go on once she is gone.  My world is already so empty without my dad.  I know that one has to accept different stages of life, but it is nice to be someone’s child, and far less nice to be only a mom.

My dad is gone.  I miss him.  Lately, I had the first two dreams where he came to visit and I could talk to him.  I woke up feeling satisfied, as though I’d actually been able to meet with him.  I can’t remember much of the dreams, but I remember that it wasn’t *quite* him; he seemed older than I remembered, and as though he had lost weight.

I am getting to be friends a little bit with our next door neighbors.  It is nice after a long period of loneliness.

I had another friend in the area whom I considered relatively close; she kind of disappeared after I married, though I know she has remained close to other (longer-time) friends of hers who married and had kids, and even to their children.  She lost a parent a while ago and (before I knew what it was like) I did my best to be supportive.  But I guess then we just drifted, and when my dad passed, she didn’t really get in touch or anything at all beyond a Facebook comment.  I found out she was leaving town via an invite to her going-away party.  I didn’t go; I used to go to her parties way back when but they were far away, in a sketchy area that is scary after dark, and with a baby in utero and a toddler, it was way more effort than I’d make for someone who didn’t really seem to consider me a good friend any more.  I used to be single, childless, and thirtysomething too and I remember all too well how it felt when I’d still be going on bad dates and my friends would get married; I often didn’t really want to be around them because I felt left behind and it hurt.  I know she felt the same way as we talked about it back then.  I never expected to be the person on the other side of that equation, the one who got married and moved on, but when I did I really did my best to not leave her (or anyone else) behind.  I had always meant to have her over once, and while I guess there was nothing left of that friendship to lose, when she left this part of the country it still felt like a loss.

My second friend lives in Europe.  She moved there after her PhD.  It’s a decade since our PhD’s.  For the most part those of us who couldn’t find a decent academic job changed fields, cut our losses, and moved on, but my friend just kept insisting that she wanted to do what she trained in and that our field was the only thing that was “fun” for her.  She did a string of postdocs that did not really help her become more employable, before ultimately finding an entry-level job she is miserable in, while she continues to look for more postdocs.  She has no real long-term life plan, and no interest in meeting anyone or having a family.  She writes often about how miserable her job is, but I am at the point where I feel like I don’t know what to say to her any more; there are many things she could do to get out of her current situation–online classes she could take to train in other things, etc.–but she seems determined to stay stuck.  I think she reminds me of aspects of myself that I don’t admire.  I wish I were not so passive, and that I were more self-confident.

My husband’s residency drags on.  We are just now close to the end of Year 1 of 4, and then there are probably two more years of fellowship.  I feel like I spend all my time sacrificing for his career, and then he still complains constantly that he doesn’t have enough time to study  and didn’t do so well on his last set of exams.  I am physically tired and therefore finding it hard to take care of Baby #1.  She is becoming increasingly wiggly and strong.  She will be 18 months soon, and (on the same day) it will be fifteen months since my dad fell ill.

So that’s my update.


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