Spring Update

I am no longer in intense pain over the loss of my father.  It’s more of an ache, that I expect I will feel forever.  When he died it was like a big boulder dropped into a small pool, and the big splash is over but the ripples will go on for the rest of my life.  I remember how right after he passed I missed him so much that I felt like my missing him should wring out the air and bring him back.  I have not had any “signs” or any such since.  People say “when something he would say pops into your head, that is a sign.”  Well, that happened when he was alive.  Things people say pop into my head all of the time.  I don’t think it’s a “sign” of anything, except that I have a good memory.

My husband and I don’t discuss my father’s illness or death, ever.  I’m pretty sure he wants to just forget it all, and he thinks I have forgotten it too because I never talk about it.   I think about it 24/7 though; it is part of me, and it is never more than a few inches away from my mind.  He wouldn’t understand.

Pregnancy seems to be going OK.  I feel like a big fishtank with bubbles in me (baby kicking).  I have been gaining weight despite my best efforts…I no longer eat anything that has added sugar in it, and I haven’t eaten anything unhealthy in forever.  I am increasingly afraid that I am helpless against fat and that I am going to be fat forever.  I have no idea how I will exercise with two small children.  I work full time, so I leave them alone enough as it is.

I have been thinking how nice it would be to live in a place that has good weather most of the year.  (It seems like the only place in the US that fits this bill is San Diego?)

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