I am no longer in intense pain over the loss of my father. It’s more of an ache, that I expect I will feel forever. When he died it was like a big boulder dropped into a small pool, and the big splash is over but the ripples will go on for the rest of my life. I remember how right after he passed I missed him so much that I felt like my missing him should wring out the air and bring him back. I have not had any “signs” or any such since. People say “when something he would say pops into your head, that is a sign.” Well, that happened when he was alive. Things people say pop into my head all of the time. I don’t think it’s a “sign” of anything, except that I have a good memory.
My husband and I don’t discuss my father’s illness or death, ever. I’m pretty sure he wants to just forget it all, and he thinks I have forgotten it too because I never talk about it. I think about it 24/7 though; it is part of me, and it is never more than a few inches away from my mind. He wouldn’t understand.
Pregnancy seems to be going OK. I feel like a big fishtank with bubbles in me (baby kicking). I have been gaining weight despite my best efforts…I no longer eat anything that has added sugar in it, and I haven’t eaten anything unhealthy in forever. I am increasingly afraid that I am helpless against fat and that I am going to be fat forever. I have no idea how I will exercise with two small children. I work full time, so I leave them alone enough as it is.
I have been thinking how nice it would be to live in a place that has good weather most of the year. (It seems like the only place in the US that fits this bill is San Diego?)