I hate that this has become a blog about cancer.

I was hoping to blog about so many other things.  I was hoping to blog about my dear little baby.  Or my 35th birthday today, or my first Mothers’ Day as a mother tomorrow.

My mom’s first scans showed remission, but now my dad has a rare and horrible form of brain cancer, and my mom is his caregiver 24/7, day in, day out, as though he were a baby.  My dad’s state has been so bad I don’t even want to write about it as it is an assault on his dignity.   All I can say is that if I had a dog in the state my father is in, I’d have euthanized the dog and put it out of its misery.  Life is ugly when your brain doesn’t work.  I live in a perpetual state of guilt that I do not go to the hospital enough.  The main reason is that I have an infant, but the secret reason is that sometimes it’s harder for me to see my dad than not to see him.  I lost my father three months ago.  The person who remains doesn’t usually wake up when I come to see him, and when he does he doesn’t say anything, and he calls me by my aunt’s name.

We have no family history of cancer.  Nada.  I don’t understand how this could have happened to us–not once, but twice.  And right when I had a little infant–on her three month birthday, eleven days after I returned to work.

If my dad had died three months ago, I could grieve and move on with my life.  Instead he lingers in a state that is not-dad, as someone who cannot do the most basic things.  He has a week of chemo every other week–and the sliver of hope is almost worse than if the worst had happened, immediately.

We celebrate small things–“oh, today he said a few words,” or “today he remembered my name.”  And I cannot believe what he has been reduced to.

My life has just been storms, for two straight years.  I was looking forward to so many things, if/when my mom went into remission, only to be right back in the maelstrom.  And now I wonder…

  • Will I ever write again?
  • Will I ever be able to return to exercising?
  • Will I ever be able to move to a job I like?
  • Will I ever be happy again?

I am hanging on these days by the thinnest of threads.

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One thought on “I hate that this has become a blog about cancer.

  1. The Presents of Presence June 9, 2014 / 9:36 pm

    I don’t ‘like’ what’s going on in your life, but I want you to know that I’m reading, that I’m here, that there is someone who sees what you are enduring. I watched my Dad for 3 weeks in ICU 2 years ago and I wasn’t able to go as often as I wanted either b/c I was busy enduring 4 surgeries of my own body that year, not to mention that hospitals are the pit of germs and I couldn’t afford to get sick with an already weakened immune system.
    He was paralyzed medically the last week, couldn’t move, speak nor breathe on his own. But i know he heard me. The day he passed, I had privately spoken with him, letting him know how much I loved him and how it was ok to let go now. He passed hours later. It’s never easy. Please accept a huge hug xo

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