Leaving for anatomy ultrasound in half an hour

My mom was going to come with us, but she is sick post-chemo and had to cancel at the last minute.  She was alone in this country and did it all herself 34 years ago; my dad was always at work.  Due to her cancer, my pregnancy has been rather the same way, and very lonely.

I won’t say my husband isn’t emotional, but he is a really calm and outwardly unexpressive guy.  He isn’t going to look happy or sad no matter what the scan says, and there’s no question of talking about my feelings with him–he does not get it.  We were both in our thirties and married fast and I got pregnant instantly, so he’s only  been in my life a couple of years and that “family” feeling hasn’t fully settled in for me.  So I feel somewhat alone even though he will be there, and I wish I had my mom or another woman with me.  I was really expecting my mom would be there and I feel a little like the rug just got pulled out from under me.

I hope they don’t find anything wrong on the ultrasound.

Stupid cancer.  A year ago I cannot imagine my mom not having come to the ultrasound for my first baby and her first grandbaby.

I feel so lonely and so alone.  I need to go eat something but I don’t even have the energy to go downstairs.  I don’t even feel excited about learning the gender; whatever it is, I’m scared.  If it’s a boy, I’m scared he won’t be loving, and that I won’t understand him or know how to raise him.  And if it’s a girl, I’m scared that her life will be difficult.

More later.


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