I’ve been in a temporary job for 15 months.  It was in the process of becoming permanent.

On the third anniversary of my dad’s death, I was told that it would not become permanent.  Sort of like a firing.   Well that afternoon they did extend me another three months, so here I am doing my job, sort of a lame duck.

Meanwhile my husband has found a fellowship on the other side of the country.  I’m not sure what that means for me.

Also, I reached out to an old friend from my academic days and rekindled a friendship.  That part was nice.  We went out to a university restaurant for Greek food last week; falafel and octopus, and brussels sprouts.


My dad’s birthday

It should be a happy day; it was once.  It’s my dad’s third birthday since he passed, I think.  I’ve lost count…that whole part of my life is a blur.  What is it now?  His un-birthday?  My kids won’t even remember it…I don’t remember my grandfathers’.  I miss him.  I normally work from home on Fridays, but I found an excuse to go to work so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts all day.

My good friend is doing the fade on me.  I really have to go “no contact” on him.  What a day.


My boss asked me today about Hinduism/Buddhism and detachment.  “How,” she wondered, “do you have a detached marriage?”  “And if you love someone and that person dies, are you supposed to not grieve?”

I don’t know the answer.  It’s something I’ve wondered about myself, though I haven’t given it much thought in a long time.

My husband also thought that the Gita says not to feel at all–never to laugh too hard, or cry.  And I disagree with that to an extent.  I think the Gita says to feel the feelings, but not to let them govern your actions.  Self-control, basically.

Two years old

My son turned two a couple of weeks ago.  He’s so big now–a boy, not a baby.   My daughter’s first words were “up” and “duck.”  My son’s were “car,” “ball,” and “mom.”  My husband said “he’s a boy, all right.”

My friend requested to be his godfather.  Which I was very happy about, except we don’t really have godparents in Indian culture and the only context I’ve ever heard the word in is in the context of Mafia dons.

I haven’t blogged much lately; I’ve entered into correspondence with an old friend, and I’ve been writing fiction and poetry.

We may have to move cross country for my husband’s medical training.  This disturbs me as I have a very nice job here, we have a house here, my mom is here, and I have some old friends here.  We have 11 months to figure out what we will do.

So that’s the roundup.

Complicated grief

I read somewhere that a common reaction to bereavement was yearning and searching.  That people kept seeing their loved one everywhere.

I don’t search in space.  I search in time.  I ruminate and relive old memories again and again, fearing that I will forget them; lose everything I have of my father.  My dreams these days are incredibly vivid and detailed memories of small episodes from my past.  I yearn for people in my past…old friends, acquaintances, who have long since forgotten me.  They are anchors to a time when life was simple — before my parents fell ill.

The problem is that those people have long since moved on and forgotten me.

I feel the worst about my postdoc advisor, because he was really genuinely kind to me, and I don’t think it had to do with his own self-interest.  I miss sharing things about work with my dad.  My advisor was similar.  I miss him too.  These days there’s nobody left to talk to, or at least it feels that way.

I read somewhere that you can choose three of five:  work, fitness, friends, family, hobbies.  I guess I’ve let go friends and work.

My husband is unable to let go work, and work takes up two slots, so he has let go friends, family, and fitness.

I’m very lonely these days.  I go back and revisit graduate school in my mind, still wondering where I went wrong; how I got kicked off the path of being an academic despite having sacrificed so much for it.  In the end I think it had to do with my personality and my lack of self-confidence…too much second-guessing, and in retrospect, difficulty breaking into the “boys club.”

I feel so dissatisfied, and so tired.

Progress on New Year’s Resolutions

It’s March now…time for a progress check.  Here are my resolutions for 2017, and where I’m at:

  • To write and submit stories and poems.  I haven’t published anything in a full year.
    I had a poem accepted a couple of weeks ago.  I earned pro pay, too.  It’s funny; I’d trunked that poem in 2013 after a few rejections from lower-tier magazines, and then I tweaked it a bit and sent it to a pro-paying magazine and it got in.
  • To lose weight.  I need to lose at least ten more pounds, preferably 20.  I know everyone makes this resolution but (a) I have blood glucose issues, so it’s particularly important, and (b) I’ve already lost 30 lbs and kept it off, so it’s possible.

    I’ve lost a few pounds, mainly because I got sick and lost my appetite for a few weeks.

  • To exercise more.
    No progress yet, unfortunately.  I do try to walk more, inspired by Pokemon Go.  But I do less cardio, so it’s a wash.
  • To use my iPhone less.  I feel like I’m getting addicted to it, and I don’t like the feeling.  WhatsApp takes time away from my kids, and it breaks my concentration and ability to focus on things.
    I’m trying.  I still waste a ton of time, but I try to spend that time writing fiction, instead.
  • To network more and be more aggressive with regard to my career.  I am an introvert who hates self-promotion, and hates conflict more.  The problem is that people around me aren’t like that.
    Working on it.

  • To spend more time reading to my kids.

    Working on it.  I love reading myself, but I get so bored sometimes reading the same stories, slowly, at a three year old’s pace, over and over.  Still, I try.  I am Sam. Sam I am.  *sigh*

Dear PhD Advisor–a decade on

I am going to write this letter to you, and then I’m going to not send it.

I’ve always wondered what would have happened if I had another advisor.  One who took the time to develop my career, and knew how to do that, and cared enough to.  I literally didn’t see you for 18 months because you were abroad, and you weren’t answering my e-mail.  And it wasn’t 18 months at the end of my thesis; it was my third and fourth year, right when I should have done the bulk of my work.  You were among the worst bosses I’ve ever had.  It’s hard for me to say that, because you were a nice enough person.

You explained it by saying that you have a sink or swim philosophy, because in real life when you are a postdoc and later a faculty member, people don’t hand you the research questions.  What a cop out.  The point of a PhD is to learn those things; if you come in knowing them then you don’t need the degree.  When students start out, you have to help them a bit…they don’t have perspective on the field, on careers, on what questions to study that are “hot.”  In my day, there wasn’t as much of an Internet, and it wasn’t possible to find basic information, like where alumni had gone.  Had I known, I would not have joined your group.

And while you did nothing to help me, you sure did a lot to tear me down:  My work wasn’t good enough.  The problem wasn’t interesting.  The model wasn’t a good model.   Never mind that you were the one who had vaguely proposed it.

You had the attention span of a flea; you’d propose a project, I’d do a ton of work, and then you’d lose interest.  It’s a good thing you left for 18 months.  That’s how I got my first paper out–entirely without your help.  And by the time you tried to tear it down, I was done writing it.  I’m not sorry you left, but it’s bad that you sucked so much as an advisor that your being away was better than your being around.

You had a few students who made it in spite of you…generally they found other co-advisors, or changed fields.    I wish I had been one of those students, and I often ask myself why I didn’t have the initiative to do that, and blame myself.  I trusted you too much, for one thing.  In a department full of egos, you were territorial and didn’t encourage collaborating–and I was way too loyal.  I suppose I half-made it; I did ultimately land a tenure track position and the opportunity to stay in my field, sort-of.  Just I didn’t land a good one, and had I stayed there I’d have spent the rest of my life single and teaching in a backwater, with neither the time or resources to do the research that was the whole point of going into science to begin with.  It wasn’t worth it.

As it was, I invested six plus years of my life, for very little return.  I spent my graduate years lonely and miserable, delayed marriage, and since I left academia, the fancy PhD hasn’t helped me at all.  In fact it’s an albatross–people ask me “you graduated from THERE and ended up HERE?”

Yeah.  I did.  I was good enough to get THERE, but once I did, I was poorly mentored.  I had a fantastic postdoc (and a fantastic postdoc mentor), but postdocs are short and one great postdoc isn’t enough, especially when you are applying for jobs in the middle of it.  My postdoc mentor taught me what an awesome mentor was, though.  I still did all my own work, but he guided me, and he really cared.  It’s thanks to him that I found that academic job.

Anyway, I feel better having vented.  It’s been over a decade since I finished my PhD.  I wish I didn’t feel bitter when I looked back; that I could forgive my advisor and also myself.